As a member of what might be called the "ultrarich," I have attended some of the finest soirees in the most elegant surroundings in the world. Naturally, I have consumed all manner of hors d'oeuvres on any number of snack crackers. But one cracker stands alone as the only brand fancy enough to meet my exacting demands: I will never be satisfied by anything less than the upper-crust sophistication of a Ritz.
Ah, Ritz—the very name itself conjures up images of handmade satin tuxedos, gowns of the finest gossamer, and grand ballrooms. White-gloved, top-hatted gentlemen strutting down baronial staircases while twirling canes. Impeccably dressed orchestras with matching outfits performing Jazz Age ballads. Champagnes chilling in gleaming silver ice buckets. White-jacketed Negroes issuing forth from kitchens bearing silver serving trays heaped with the finest crackers ever manufactured by human means.
Ritz is simply the fanciest cracker known to man. When my chef prepares something sublime for my well-heeled guests to eat before dinner, he needn't search any further for a gourmet recipe than the back of the cardboard Ritz box itself. A panopoly of gustatory delights awaits! Smoked salmon, atop a Ritz? Sheer delight. Feta cheese and red peppers? Just like on the luxury cruise liners of the Aegean sea. Duck? Pheasant? No other cracker would dare offer such mouthwatering dining options, because no other cracker comes close to the refined elegance of a single, salty, buttery, crumbly Ritz.
I could not imagine consuming a lesser cracker.
